When you love someone unconditionally, you do what is best for them, not yourself. It was hardest lesson I ever learned - placing my daughter for adoption.
It was also the best thing I have ever done and a huge testimony builder. Early in 2008, a Utah family prayed and told the Lord they felt that their family was not yet complete. They had no idea that their prayer would soon be answered. The next night the couple received a phone call about a young woman in Delaware that was pregnant and thinking about adoption.
I found out in the beginning of February 2008 that I was pregnant. I was a young 20-year college student not ready to be a mother. I was so nervous to tell my parents. They had raised me with strong Christian morals and values. My parents were disappointed but supported whatever I would choose. Adoption was already a big part of my life since I was adopted by my parents as a small baby. I knew the blessings that came from adoption, yet at the same time during my teenage years, I found myself upset and angry with my birth mother (who I never knew) for placing and not wanting me. I know now how wrong I had been. I began to weigh all of my options.
In June 2008, I had the most spiritual experience of my life. I met with the young man who lived in Utah and had known my family long before I was born. As I sat with him, he told me about his other two adopted children. He told me how he and his wife would be honored to raise my daughter. It was finally my turn to speak. My chest began to burn and tears filled my eyes as I tried to talk. I was having doubts about placing after finding out the baby was a girl. At that moment, all of my doubts faded and I knew from that instant that he and his wife were meant to be this baby’s parents for this life and eternity.
The last five months of my pregnancy flew by before my eyes, and it was October before I knew it. I was writing emails to the family in Utah, keeping them updated with my doctor’s appointments, and even sent a few pictures of my growing belly. Knowing they were unable to have children of their own, my heart went out for them. I wanted to make the experience about them instead of me, since they have never been able to witness their other two children’s birth.
Two days later Tally arrived. All that I asked was that I get to spend those two days in the hospital with her and then she could go with them. Those two nights were a mixture of joy and sadness. My faith was tested yet again. I was so happy that she was finally here, yet sad because I knew that she would be leaving me shortly. I kept a daily journal through my pregnancy and after she was born, telling her how much I loved her, what she meant to me, and why I chose adoption. I gave it to her parents who agreed to give it to her when she was older. I thought since I knew I would be placing her for adoption five months before she was born it would be so simple. I was wrong. I held her as much as I could, studied all her little features, and tried to memorize them. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone so little so much. When they left our house and drove to the airport it felt like a piece of me was going with them. Heavenly Father was beside me the entire time comforting me and giving me peace. I knew if no one else understood how I was feeling he did. In my heart I knew I was doing the right thing and my family was such a huge support to me.
About a month after she was born, my mom and I flew out to Utah to sign my rights away and to visit. Signing my name at the bottom of that paper was the hardest thing I did. Leaving her that time was harder than the first. Since then I have received many pictures of her and updates about her and the family. I call her on every birthday. How eternally grateful I am that she has two of the greatest parents Heavenly Father could possibly have given her. In June of 2009 my number one goal for her came true, they took her to the Provo temple in Utah and had her sealed as a part of their family for all time and eternity. She and the Lord helped me see life in a whole new light and change the very way I was living. Our short 9 months together were exactly what I needed at that time. My faith has never been more strengthened and exercised. The road to repentance can be long and not easy but I testify that it is so worth it in the end. I am so grateful for the love that Jesus Christ offers me, and I know that he will always be there for me in my time of need. I know adoption is not for everyone but it was right for me and has certainly blessed my life beyond measure.