January of 2017 I found out that I was pregnant. I'd like to say that I was shocked, but in reality, I wasn't. I had never intended on getting pregnant, but I was never very cautious about preventing it. But like most of us birth mothers out there, I was terrified. I was in no position to raise a child. When I told the father, he begged me to get an abortion. I knew it was wrong, and for months I tried to figure out a way I would be able to parent my baby.
The father bailed mid pregnancy and I was left alone to figure everything out. I was against adoption from the beginning. But after months of trying to find a way to parent and work or go to school it was seeming impossible. I had support, but I wasn't willing to put a child through a life of constantly depending on others for food and basic necessities. And most of all, I couldn't bear the thought of raising a child without a father. Or a father who would come and go as he pleased.
I started to look into adoption with a closed heart.
I knew it was the right choice but that didn't make it any easier. During my third trimester, I cried myself to sleep every night. I cried on my way to work, I cried at work. I cried everywhere. I could physically feel my heart breaking. Although I knew it was the right decision and would be the best for my son, I still didn't feel peace about it. I prayed and prayed for God to calm my heart and to help me get through this.
It wasn't until the day I met my son’s adoptive family that I felt peace in my heart for the first time. I knew that they were who God had intended my sweet boy to live with and grow with. I had peace in my heart knowing that my son would grow up with a wonderful supportive father, who was never going to leave him, and a mother who would show him an unconditional love just as I would.
Owen was born September 12th 2017.
This is still very raw for me; I continue to cry myself to sleep most nights. My heart aches for my son, all I want is him. But at the same time, I am filled with peace in knowing that this is where God has him, and knowing how tremendously loved he is. When I see, his adoptive mother look at him with a love that only a mother can give I am filled with so much joy. Watching his adoptive father try to make him smile makes my heart so happy.
I know I have a long road of healing ahead of me, but already I can see the blessings that adoption has brought my family, my sons adoptive family, and most importantly, my son.