I began to feel so afraid of how reckless my life had become, that I figured perhaps if I merely "ran away" from all the poison that had began to leak into every crevice of my life, I would be able to just - start over.

At the age of 24, I was behaving like a typical "20-something" trying to grasp the concept of being a responsible adult after college. By the time 2013 rolled around, my life was completely consumed with consequences.

I decided to move to Los Angeles and live with someone I had just met weeks before on a vacation. After 2 months of shamefully trying to redefine myself on the West coast, I boarded a plane back to Denver, feeling hopeless and lost. About a week after my return, I met my rock bottom when I discovered that I was pregnant.

Meet Jessica. A few months ago, Jessica reached out to BraveLove looking for a way to get involved. Being a passionate writer and birth mom herself, it was evident that the greatest way for Jessica to give to BraveLove would be to share her perspective. Having traveled 6 1/2 years through her own adoption journey, Jessica says being a birth mom is her greatest achievement! She's got some invaluable insight to share, so without further adieu, here's Jessica.

My pregnancy couldn’t have come at a darker and more chaotic time in my twenty-two year old life. My parents' thirty-one years together had come to an abrupt halt, and my mother moved out and became estranged.

My own relationship with someone I loved deeply was over, for good. I had moved back in with my father to help put the pieces of his life and our family back together and through all of this found myself battling my own severe depression and anxiety. Questions and racing thoughts flooded my head. I’ve already had to step up and become a mother to my brother to try and make his senior year of high school as normal as possible; how am I possibly going to be a mother to my own child? Things like this don’t happen to people like me and the family I come from. I remember thinking to myself, when and how could this have possibly happened? I’ve been a prisoner of my own mind and circumstance for basically 6 months. I don’t even have ‘a bump’ - this has got to be a mistake. Six positive pregnancy tests later and I was finally convinced this baby was, indeed, really happening. 

I placed my daughter (Zoe) for adoption 11 years ago. I was 17 at the time and ready for my senior year in high school, and Zoe’s birth dad was 23. I decided I wanted to place her for adoption as I knew I wasn’t able to provide for her the way a parent needs to. 

I knew we would be faced with many hardships as I grew up in a single parent home. After she was born, she was placed in foster care for 6 weeks. It was supposed to be 2 weeks, however her birth dad brought me to court for custody. Therefore, I took Zoe from the foster home to my home. Can you imagine?? Going through the grief and loss at the hospital and now here I was with my daughter, with no clue how to be a parent!

One word to describe how you felt the moment you discovered you were pregnant?

Terrified

Why did you choose adoption?

The second I found out I was pregnant, I knew I couldn’t raise him or her the way I wanted to. The baby and I both deserved better.

What and who played the biggest role in your decision to place your child for adoption?

Finances and my mother. I knew I couldn’t provide everything a baby needs, much less day care. And I refused to accept handouts from my parents. I wanted to be able to support my child.

Pictured above: Ana and her father on placement day with her son.

One word to describe how you felt the moment you discovered you were pregnant?

I felt completely numb, I was most likely going through shock. I found out I was pregnant when I was fifteen at my sophomore year homecoming dance. My best friend held my hand while we read the test. I remember going home and talking to my mom, lying to her about how fun the dance was. After she went to go to sleep, I laid down on the couch for an hour or two and thought to myself. It took me around two weeks to fully process I was pregnant before I was able to tell my parents. After that point, I really realized how terrified and alone I was.

Why did you choose on adoption? What and who played the biggest role in your decisions to place your child for adoption?

I wanted a better life for my child. My father has a big role in that. He and one of his brothers were adopted, and had a wonderful childhood and family life because of that. I wanted my child to have a mother and father who could fully provide financial and emotional support. As my child would have lacked both, I made the choice as a mother to give my child the life they deserved.