I was 23 and had just moved to Colorado from Michigan a few months before, when I found out I was pregnant with my son.
I was loving being out here. I had a fun job at a bagel shop and was very carefree. Getting pregnant was not part of my plan in any way. About six months into my pregnancy, I realized I wasn't ready to be a parent and that I was going to have to go at it alone. At that point it wasn't just about me anymore. I had to think about my son and decide what kind of life I wanted him to have. I was half adopted and didn't meet my biological dad until I was 18. That was hard for me. I didn't want my son to wonder if he was loved or wanted, so adoption wasn't even something I had thought about until the mom I was nannying for brought it up to me. Even then, I was hesitant because I only knew about closed adoption and was concerned about giving up my son, not knowing who was going to love him and take care of him. After a lot of research, and soul searching, I decided that open adoption would be the best choice for my son. I could choose the family and still be a part of my son's life in a small way, so if he ever had questions, I would be around to answer them. That was really important to me.
It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life and
the best choice I could have made for my son.
In all honesty, it took a very long time for me to move through the pain of placing a child, but knowing he was loved and was going to have a better life then I could give him at the time always brought me a little comfort. There have been many ups and downs over the last 23 years since I placed him for adoption. I still miss him every day but know in my heart I did the right thing, the best I could do at the time. He continues to live a full and happy life. Even though I haven't seen him a long time, just knowing he is happy is enough. I now have another son who is 13 and has met his half-brother.
I hope in the future we can all see one another again, but until then I know I did the right thing and am grateful to have had that choice.