This letter is intended to reach birth mothers who don’t quite understand their emotions yet of a new placement or even an old one.
I hope it reaches someone who needs to hear that they’re not alone in these times; I know I would have welcomed a “letter” from someone who has been able to sort through and know these similar feelings of the turbulent waters of becoming a birth-parent.
I was only 15 when I found out I was pregnant. My mom went to the doctor with me. My mom & dad are both deceased now. Unfortunately, I never asked how they felt, but I do remember my father crying when he heard the news. It broke my heart since that was the first time I had seen him cry. I think I was so young.
It was something I will never forget, something hard to talk about, something I can barely find words for. In just 3 days I said my hello and goodbye to my beautiful, sweet newborn baby girl. How did I cope with the heartbreak and temptations to keeping her all to myself? Maybe it was watching my other two beautiful babies struggle with one parent, maybe it was the pure joy in my absolutely amazing adoptive couple’s faces, maybe it was the support and love I received from my family and their family, or maybe it was looking into her beautiful face and knowing she deserved more than I could ever give her. 
When I first found out I was pregnant, I felt terrified and alone, I felt as if I couldn’t trust anyone. At that time—1993—the only available resource to me, when I suspected pregnancy, was a phone book. After cracking the book open, I stumbled upon a crisis pregnancy hotline and called as soon as my boss left for dinner break. The news of my pregnancy didn’t reach my family until four months later when my clothing no longer had a proper fit. 
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. Obviously if my situation had been better I would have kept her and parented her. But, I knew it was best for her to have the family that she has now. I was really enjoying high school and excited to start my junior year. I was running track and cross country. I was running faster times than I’d ever run before. 
I was first introduced to BraveLove when I attended their launch party in September of 2012. I was pregnant at the time. When I saw videos of different birth moms sharing their stories, it made me cry. I was so impacted by their stories. The courageous stories of birth mothers empowered me to consider adoption. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I was afraid. I didn't know the first step to take. I considered abortion.
My adoption story started in high school… I was a typical 16-year-old, with an academic focus and dreams in place. Until December 8th, 2001, when I found out I was pregnant. My first thought, was to keep this child I loved so much already, but how?
I wonder what she is doing right now. Is her sweet mama holding her, kissing her cheeks and telling her how much she is loved? Is her daddy blowing raspberries on her tummy and grinning at the sweet sound that comes from her perfect mouth. Is her big brother, laying on the floor beside her swing, telling her a story? Honestly, it doesn’t really matter what she’s doing. I know that she is loved, and that’s all that matters. 
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