I was 20 when I went to the hospital for a severe hemorrhage. I knew I was having a miscarriage and my doctor confirmed. I coped in the worst ways possible, leaning on addiction to grieve my lost child.
Eight months later. I was admitted for severe cramps. It turns out my miscarriage did not take and no pregnancy test could tell. I was in labor with a baby boy with $5 in my bank account and liquor still on my breath. Immediately the guilt and panic set in. Questions flooded my mind. I grieved for this baby. I lost 120 pounds. I never once felt him in me. I barely felt human. How could I still be pregnant? I am irresponsible. What if he has problems? I just turned 21. .
How did this happen?
I had no idea how long labor was and I was terrified. After a reflection on my life, I asked about adoption. A few hours later I was meeting the couple I had chosen. A few minutes later my son was born. Five pounds and 15 ounces of the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen.
Guilt overtook me again as they ran tests. I spoke to the couple in the room and I openly shared how scared and guilty I was. I felt like a child myself while being an adult, it's not supposed to be this hard. But, they comforted me and let me know I was okay and he would be too.
My son is 3 now, he is ahead of his learning curve, and my dad just met his grandson for the first time because that loving couple grew to love me like family, too. I am still scared and I still worry for the future. But, when I think about that girl who gave birth, and reflect on three years of sobriety, I am grateful that my nurse was informed enough to give me help. Now I get to be a role model for him, and a testament to adoptive families. His parents are the kindest people I will ever know and thanks to them my son will grow up more loved than I could have ever hoped. I hope my story helps someone the way I needed help.
