When I found out I was pregnant at 43 years old, I was scared and angry. I had already decided that I was done having kids plus my 11-year-old son did not want any siblings. Needless to say I found myself in a very unstable marriage and now pregnant. I could not financially support myself, my son, and a new baby. The marriage had all but ended due to my partner’s mental health struggles so parenting was out of the question for him. And so my journey began, which has shaped me into the person I am today - strong in my faith and sure in my purpose.
I believe that I was going through this particular season to broaden my perspective on things that I was once so closed off from. Seeing those two pink lines caused me to spiral into thoughts I never in my life thought I would ever have.
I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this. Not by myself again.
I did not want to put another child through what my son had gone through with a broken home and absent father. At my first doctor's appointment, I sat in the room with the doctor and just cried. I cried because I had to tell my son that I had broken my promise. I cried because I had no idea what my next step was going to be.
I made the appointment to have my first ultrasound. I had to travel to the hospital an hour away from my hometown. As I laid there on the table looking at the screen with this little wiggling human on it, the reality of the situation hit me. God met me exactly where I was at that moment. That is the amazing thing about our Heavenly Father, even when you think there is no way out he will literally meet you where you are, even if it's laying on a sonogram table. The doctor that day talked to me about my options. I would have to travel out of state if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy or there was always adoption. I knew I could not terminate. That was not my beliefs at all or my heart. So on my way out of the hospital I decided to stop on the maternity floor and see if I could find any information on adoption. I walked into the new mommy boutique and the sweet lady I talked to was placed there by God himself. Her own daughter had placed a baby for adoption and now worked with the adoption agency. She gave me the information and that was the last time I spoke with her. I went home with so much to think about and decide. God saw everything and was right there beside me through it all.
After a lot of prayer, I decided that adoption was the way to go. I reached out to make an appointment with a counselor from the agency, and that was the start to the best decision ever. My adoption counselor was amazing. Haley was understanding and helpful. She reassured me that I was not alone. From this time forward, my mindset shifted – I was helping someone become a mother. At that time, I decided on a closed adoption; I felt it would be easier.
The time came for me to sit down and talk to my son about what was going on. I was so nervous. After explaining to an 11-year-old the details of the situation, he looked at me and asked, “Can we get their email so we can keep up with how she is doing? And I think her name should be Rosie.” That said, we agreed upon a semi-open adoption plan.
It was finally time to choose the family that was going to love my baby girl. I was nervous. How do you look at pictures and words and determine who was going to raise your baby? I was given about 13 families to look over. I sat on my bed and prayed over the stack. I asked God to lead me in my decision. I read through each one of them one at a time and then narrowed it down to three. I instantly knew which family to pick. I could imagine my baby girl with them. I was able to finally meet them, and it was as if we had known each other our whole lives. A sweet family that had been trying to have a baby for 10+ years was finally getting their prayer answered. We later found out they had only been on the list for two weeks after a very disappointing time with another agency. I love this family with all my heart, and I loved being able to share ultrasound photos and heartbeat recordings with them.
They were present for the birth of our sweet girl. Yes I call her ours because she is so loved by both sides. Sharon was in the delivery room with me. I was able to see her face when Rosie was born and to watch her become a mother. That was the best part. They decided to keep the name Rosie, and a completely open adoption was born, so to speak. I would not trade any part of this journey for anything in the world. The pregnancy was rough, and I was high risk but our baby girl was perfect. I get to watch her grow up and hit milestones. They even visited right after her 1st birthday. I gained a sister that I never had (or even knew that I needed) and that feeling is mutual from her side as well.
It has been 14 short months since I had the honor of helping make an amazing couple into parents. I look back in amazement at how so many decisions that were made leading up to this moment had to happen the exact way they did in order for God’s plan to take place. He knew that I would walk through this journey before I was created.
