I remember being where you're at. I remember the shock, guilt, confusion, anger and the surreal feeling of having no control. I've been the girl sitting on the bed crying looking over 8 positive pregnancy tests, thinking if you take one more maybe it won't be true. Because I've been there and I've felt those feelings, I want to say a few words to you. And I ask you to keep an open mind as I tell you the truth. And the truth is, it’s hard. Every single part of it, finding out and making decisions you weren't ready to make is hard. The judgement, facing family, telling people, your body changing for the world to see, it’s all hard.
I dated my child's birth father for over 5 years when I found out that we created a life together. Though our relationship was complicated, it was real and I loved him a lot. I couldn't even explain to you the ups and downs we went through not only during our time together but during the pregnancy. He didn't want anything to do with it, and he ran to another state. My heart will forever hurt that someone I loved and who loved me could abandon me when it mattered the most. I see him in my daughter all the time. There are certain strings that will always be attached because she is half of me and half of him. How we ever made something as perfect as her when we were complete messes ourselves will always amaze me. She is the very best thing that could have come from our crazy relationship.
At first, I was completely alone. Luckily my family came around (after a lot of hurt, disappointment, and anger) and they supported and trusted me to do what I needed to do. I realize that not everyone has that support. Though, the people around you might not respond well or react like you need them to at first, it works out. There will be people that will step in and love you, always. It's hard, but it's also not the first time in thousands of years that a girl has accidentally gotten pregnant.
Breathe a little, you are not alone.
I had a lot of complications during my pregnancy and even now I'm still dealing with the aftermath of it. I was diagnosed with diabetes that I'll have for the rest of my life. I was anemic, nauseas, and losing weight. I was put on bed rest pretty early on. I was SO sick. It wasn't fair, I couldn't eat food, I couldn't sleep, I was often in the hospital, and even had an emergency C-section. I don’t say all of this to scare you, I promise. During this time, I would ask myself over and over why I had to be doing this. Now that you've heard the worst, the good news is that I survived and that normal girls don’t have that hard of a pregnancy. Mine was just the worst-case scenario. Even with my challenges physically, more than anything I can say that it was worth it.
By now you know that I stuck with my pregnancy. What you don't know is that I decided to place her for adoption. It was not the easy way out by any means. After months of sickness and sadness, I placed my baby in the hands of a family I barely knew. It seems crazy, that's because it is. I dealt with emotional lows and second thoughts for months. It was hard. It is hard to make the choice, but if that's what you choose, you can do it!
Seeing your baby for the first time really is as surreal as people say it is. You will never experience a love like it. There is no hate, or hurt, or confusion when you see them. It is the most unconditional amazing thing. I can't even explain it to you. The depth of the love you feel is unmeasurable, and that does not go away.
My daughter is like my own heart walking outside of my body. She is everything. We share such an incredible bond.
Adoption is not this glorious fairy tale thing that you're magically okay with doing and okay with living with. It's hard. It's not for the faint of heart. It's a struggle I will deal with the rest of my life, but it is possible and it is the right thing for some people. I know it seems impossible to have to carry a baby and bond with it and then "give it away" but I promise you, it's so different than what people make it out to be. It's not impossible. It's hard, but it's okay too. I urge you to look into all of your options. Look into parenting and what that would take, look into adoption and do the same. I do thank the heavens every day that I kept going even though it was the hardest thing I've ever done or will ever do in my life.
Often times, birth moms get a bad rap. I do not come from a broken home, I am a smart girl, and I was capable and willing. I wanted my baby and I could do it. It came down to the love I had for this baby I created and the #BraveLove it took to place her for adoption because it wasn't about me.
I chose adoption because it was the less of some really tough options. They are all hard and they all carry regret. But I'm telling you, I live everyday knowing that there is a beautiful soul, learning, growing and developing, and I made that. Although I do regret an unplanned pregnancy with the wrong boy who I loved too much, I will never look at Baby J and regret her.
Everybody is different and I learned that the level of openness I wanted evolved over time. I get pictures and updates once a week and also FaceTime and visit as they live in a different state. I got to choose everything down to the weirdest little details about the family and openness. You can choose where they live, what they do, how many kids they have. One thing I would suggest is looking at families. You don't even have to commit but just being able to see what is out there ultimately helped me make my decision. Her family is amazing and to imagine them never being in my life let alone my baby's is a sad thought.
My baby is now 1 year old. She likes the ocean breeze, dancing, bath time, and playing with her big brother. She knows who I am and I have been able to be physically present in her life since the beginning. I miss her something terrible, however regular FaceTimes, pictures, videos, and updates help tremendously when I can't be there with her.
A lot of people say "I could never do that" but that's why only few of us do. To give someone a child, to make a life, is unreal. I wanted J to have the best opportunities and a two-parent household. I'll always be her birth mom and I'll continue to be in her life. She will always know who I am and what I did.
They have a saying with adoption; it's all about love. And it really is. It's about brave love.
I have no doubt that you are struggling to understand the weight and responsibilities of your decision. As you move forward, I hope you take into account that you are so loved. You are strong and you are capable of making whatever decision you feel you need to. Don't rush, you have time. I've been there. I've cried and I've thought of easy ways out, because anything seemed better than being pregnant or being a single mom. But even with everything I sacrificed (my health, 2 years of my life, and not getting to be Baby J's "mom" for a lifetime) I would not trade feeling her move, bringing her into the world, and watching her smile and grow for anything.
God loves you. He will send people to you. I promise you feel alone now more than ever, but you aren't. There are people who have been there, there are so many people just waiting to help you. You have a purpose. Even though my life kind of feels like a mess sometimes, I have a whole new meaning now. My daughter has a purpose too. I can't wait to see all the good things she is going to do in this world.
I chose life, I chose adoption, I chose my sweet baby J and I could not imagine a world where her sweet heart wasn't in it.
I love you and I am praying for you,
A birth mom