On December 14th, 2020 I found out I was pregnant. I found out only a few weeks after having a memorial service of my boyfriend at the time. He had passed away and, a few weeks later, I found out I was 5 months pregnant.
To say I was in denial that it was a possibility is an understatement. I was 17 at the time. I didn’t know how to feel or what to do. I remember looking at my Mom saying, “I want it out.” After a few days we started discussing the options and adoption sounded like the best route.
I had never heard of open adoption before, but it sounded pretty great.
I was lucky enough to meet with this young couple who had two biological children of their own. I really admired how important it is to their family to learn and understand emotional awareness. I met with them for the first time in person in March. I told the soon to be adoptive mom I don’t see this adoption going another way. On April 14th, 2021, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.
The days in the hospital were the hardest days I’ve ever encountered. I had let the soon to be adoptive couple take him for a few hours so I could rest, in that time I was shaking and crying and could not sleep because my baby was not with me. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to go through with this plan,
I felt like my heart was being stabbed a million times, the gut wrenching feeling in my stomach of leaving him tore me apart.
I went home empty handed, knowing that I had made the home of a young family feel complete.
Knowing that I made a good decision, but that did not make it any less hard.
The days after I felt like nothing, I felt empty, and the only thing I knew was that my body was hurting and my heart felt like it was sinking. I knew my son was okay, he was safe, but I felt like I had lost him. The pain, shock, and heartache I felt on the day I handed him over to his forever family, was the worst and I do not wish it upon anyone.
I hope one day my birth son will understand my decision and be grateful for the heart-wrenching decision I made to make his life better.
I hope one day he will ask me about his birth father and what he was like before he passed away. I hope I can continue to be there for my birth son when his adoptive parents invite me to be. I watch him grow from a distance and I love him from a distance, but I hope he knows he is loved by so many people and he is a special little boy. He is now 2 years old and I was able to go to his 2nd birthday. I can’t wait to see him grow up and live his life with everything he could want and more!
