We recently had the privilege of hearing from Ashley, a birth mother, and her daughter, Sharla — two lives forever connected through love and open adoption.
Ashley shares a glimpse into her journey and the deeply personal reasons behind her decision to place Sharla for adoption. With honesty and tenderness, she speaks about her enduring love for her daughter and the meaningful impact the adoptive family she chose has had on her life. Sharla also reflects on her experience growing up in an open adoption and the positive influence it has had on her life.
Together, their voices offer a powerful reminder that adoption is rooted in love, courage, and connection.
Ashley’s Story
The world greeted me just five days after my mother turned fifteen. She was a child herself, lost in the chokehold of addiction, a shadow that stretched over my entire family. Dysfunction was part of our everyday life.
Early on, the lack of safety became brutally clear. The husband of my babysitter—a registered sex offender—began to molest me.
My childhood was an endless state of "in and out." An attempt to escape led my mother to take me to Florida, only for her new boyfriend to repeat the abuse. As I grew older, my pain morphed into recklessness. I became promiscuous and plunged headfirst into every drug I could find, desperate for a way to cope with a life that had only ever offered abuse. I went through probably 25 homes and housing situations, including independent living, before aging out of care and dropping out of school.
I met Sharla’s father when I was 18 and soon became pregnant. At that moment, it seemed my life could finally come in order, with the joyful arrival of a little baby girl. We found a seemingly stable apartment and planned to parent her.
But things soon fell apart. Her father fell deeper into addiction and eventually left, and I started coping through drugs as well.
After Child Protective Services received a call, they took her away at three years old.
I was devastated and angry to lose my baby, but I knew I wasn’t sober and I wanted to give her everything I had lacked as a child in foster care.
I then made a decision about open adoption. Realistically, I was in no place to parent, feared relapsing, and desired a better life for her. With deep love and hope, I chose Rob and his partner to be her parents through open adoption. I could only think about my baby and what was best for her, but wanted to continue to see her and develop the relationship.
I wish I had had more support after placing her for adoption. It was the hardest decision ever and I hit the streets afterward until I got pregnant with my son.
After more difficult situations in my life, including my mom’s suicide, I eventually also made an adoption plan for my son - Sharla’s brother - around his fifth birthday. I wanted him to live with Rob and Sharla as well.
Although I always maintained communication with Sharla’s adoptive family, my communication with Rob and Sharla really took off when Sharla’s brother’s birth father passed away.
I had lost my mother and grandmother and felt alone in the world, and Rob was a great support system and friend, while also maintaining appropriate boundaries. I know that I can always call in for a listening ear and he really became part of my extended family through sharing love for our daughter. He encouraged me to get to a healthy place, where I could process, heal, and learn to take care of myself.
I wanted to get myself into that same place, so I could continue to play a role in their lives.
Over the years, I’ve spent birthdays and special celebrations with my children and their adoptive family and have the opportunity to attend Sharla’s upcoming graduation. It is so special that she would invite me to take part in her life as a young adult.
Both Sharla and her brother are thriving with their adoptive family and I’m so grateful to Rob for providing for and loving them each day as I want to. It gives me peace to know they are safe and their needs are met.
I’ve been sober now for nearly 8 years and learned so much about myself through the adoption and recovery process. The guilt and shame are immense, but I want to help other people who are struggling and to be a good role model for my children. I dream of eventually moving closer to Florida to be with them, but I just feel grateful to be at this point in life, where I can appreciate all the blessings I have received through open adoption: my children’s willingness to pursue connection and Rob’s willingness to accept and support me as their birth mother.
Sharla’s Perspective
I knew that I was adopted from an early age since my fathers (Rob and his partner) were always open with me about my story.
When my biological little brother came to live with us, I had the opportunity to meet Ashley. I wasn’t curious initially, but then I became more interested in getting to know her.
I built a relationship with her and started to understand her perspective. I understood the situation after my birth and why she made the decision to place me for adoption. I’m glad that she picked the family that she picked because I was able to enjoy a great life with many opportunities through adoption.
Before I met my mom, it was hard to not have a mother figure sometimes. For example, in school, on Mother’s Day, I wouldn’t participate in that because I only had two dads. But after meeting her, I began to accept her as part of my family and would write her a card on Mother’s Day.
I am grateful for the bond we have now. It looks different than my relationship with my adoptive parents, but it’s very special and she will always have a place in my heart. When she visits, I try to make time for her and I seek to include her in important occasions.
Adoption is sometimes complicated, and it’s important to have open dialogue with all members of your family. Balancing my adoptive and birth families is not always easy, but I am blessed to have so many people who care about me and whom I can love.
