I remember sitting on the restroom toilet at work when I discovered it was positive. Immediately my stomach dropped to the floor.
I was 35 years old, a single mom to a 10-month-old little boy at the time. I was going through a divorce, working full-time, trying to support myself and my son. I was unsure what the future would hold for us. I walked through infertility, then experienced treatments to get pregnant with my 10-month-old son. So never in my wildest dreams did I think I could get pregnant without help, especially from a one-night stand. I tried to intervene by taking the Plan B pill within the 12-hour window, but the contraception failed. A few weeks went by, and I remember buying a pregnancy test thinking what am I doing? There is no way! But I was feeling sick and was late, so why not. Surely it’s negative!
The first person I told was a coworker who reminded me abortion is a valid option. I considered aborting this baby for a second, thinking that would be the easy way out, but never once did that settle into my heart. After sharing the news with my family, I asked myself how could I raise this baby while trying to care for my 10-month-old son and myself? I would need financial support, but that wouldn’t happen from an absent biological dad. I was so torn, scared and unsettled.
I remember the first ultrasound I went to by myself, hearing and seeing this baby’s heartbeat was very surreal. I just went through this less than a year ago, how am I doing this again? The baby was fully formed, perfect in every way at just 8 weeks. I knew this baby deserved the best life, and in a selfless decision I reached out to a local adoption agency shortly after.
I met with the birth mom counselor for coffee a couple times to learn about the adoption process. Over time, I eventually asked to look at adoptive parent profiles. How could I choose the couple who would be mom and dad to this precious baby? My baby. How could I do this? But the only way to explain it was the peace of God that drew me to the couple I picked. I just wanted to be their friend, and after our first meet and greet it was so perfect. Crazy to say, but it was a match made in heaven. The adoptive mother even looked like me, dark hair, eyes and similar features. After the match meeting, we connected more and they went with me to an ultrasound appointment. It was a month later when my sweet baby boy was born.
My pregnancy with him was very hard, I basically needed bed rest the last few months before he was born that summer. I loved him, talked to him and told him everything was going to be okay while in my womb.
My heart was settled in my decision to place him for adoption but also breaking at the same time. I felt indescribable peace, yet so much grief. I just put my body through so much pain, to carry this baby then release him to these beautiful people, his parents.
Shortly after he was born, I spent about an hour holding him, kissing his little forehead, praying for him and releasing him in my heart knowing I would always be his first mom, his birth mom, who loves him so much. I wanted to give him the best life possible. The day came when the hospital visit ended, and his parents went home with him. I remember laying in bed the first week home with no baby, and my 18-month-old son was with his family, states away. I was so lonely.
Since that time, God has worked in my heart to grow this beautiful open adoption with his parents. I had the honor to witness his baby blessing right after his official adoption day where all of his family joined in to dedicate his life to God. Since his adoption, I have gotten remarried in February 2025 to an incredible man, and this past winter we got to visit my son and his adoptive parents. My 4-year-old son calls him his brother, and we get to experience such a beautiful extended family. My bond with his adoptive mother is indescribable and all connected to a little boy who will forever hold a place in our hearts.
It’s a different kind of love between us but love to the fullest, woven by God’s grace and his perfect plan.
The heart, soul and courage of a birth mom is unmatched.
We feel every single thing, every kick, hiccup pain and pull during pregnancy just like any other woman. The bravery to entrust a baby into the hands of what was once a stranger is sacrificial love. For the rest of my son's life, I will always be Roro to my baby boy. I love you.
