The moment you see that positive test you know your life will forever change. It does not matter if you have been praying for your family to grow, or if you were secretly praying the test would say anything else.
I was pregnant with a baby that was not supposed to be possible. I was a single mother, had just been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and was struggling with increasing pain and fatigue. My son was also going through serious challenges with Autism, and I was barely keeping up. How was my body going to handle a pregnancy or parenting of a life that was 100% dependent on my failing body? I was scared.
Nearly 10 years before the birth of my daughter, I was faced with reproductive issues. My doctor told me I had two choices to deal with my issues, but I had to decide then if I was going to have any more children. I had always wanted another child, someone for my son to grow up with, a little girl to love and dress up. But I was in a relationship and not married, which conflicted with my faith and upbringing. He also wanted a child of his own.
We decided it was now or never. I didn’t want to close the door on another baby if I had the chance now. For nearly a year, I tried and hoped and failed. Month after month, failure. Heartbreak. Brokenness. The time came to give up on trying. I know now, God had a completely different plan for me.
After ten years of resigning to the fact that I would not have another child, I found out I was pregnant. When I told the birth father, his response was for me to get an abortion. I said no. This was my baby and that was never going to be an option. I would only choose life. He told me that I was selfish, ended our friendship, and walked out of my life.
I decided the best thing I could do for the little one growing inside me was to place her for adoption. I had no idea where to even start, but I would figure it out. A still, small voice was telling me this was the right path. I decided I would write of list of what I wanted in future parents for my baby. If they didn’t meet those standards, I would not consider them. This would be the most important decision of her and my life, so it had to be right. I started to research adoption agencies. That was a bit overwhelming.
I looked at a couple of profiles online. Nice enough looking people, but there was just no way to get a connection from a profile. Not for me. What I didn’t know was God already had her parents picked out for me. A dear friend said they knew of a couple that had just recently started the adoption process and were praying for a baby. He had even
unknowingly vetted them before we knew I was pregnant by asking various questions to get to know their desires, and through that process felt they might be someone I would consider.
We all met for lunch. They shared their story and desire, and I got excited. I wasn’t afraid. I loved them, and they checked all the boxes! After I told my friend, “Do you think they could be my friend even if I chose to parent?”
We met a few more times to get to know each other, and I fell in love with them. I gave them a card with an ultrasound picture and the caption, “Will you be my parents?” We continued to spend time together so they could be part of the process. My confidence in choosing my daughter’s parents grew with each visit, though things were not all roses.
I bonded with my little girl and loved her so very much. But I had very little support in my decision. I hid my pregnancy from most of my friends and family. I was ashamed. My sister at first was upset with me for not just allowing her to parent my daughter. She did eventually come around and supported my adoption decision. My father was very angry with me and has not spoken to me since. My mother, and biggest supporter, was already gone from this world. I was so torn and emotionally devastated.
When the moment came to sign the papers, I couldn’t do it. I wanted to parent my daughter so much. I loved her so much. She was a part of me. But, I knew my circumstances weren’t changing. I didn’t know what to do.
I decided to let them take her for three days. This is the length of time in my state a mother must wait before she can sign adoption papers. I needed to see what life would be like without her. I spent those three days asking God to let me be able to parent her. On the third day I went to visit them with my sister. I honestly think not one person knew who she would be going home with at the end of that visit.
When I walked in and saw my daughter with her parents, a peace that passes all understanding washed over me. God told me she was where He wanted her to be. This was her family. She was home. I left her with her parents and cried all the way home and through the entire signing process.
No one can ever understand how we birth mothers feel when we give a piece of our soul to another. We will never be whole again, but we love our babies so much we will sacrifice that heart and soul for them. I thought I would just take a week off work, but I had to take an entire six weeks. I could not get off the couch; I was so devastated. Even though I was broken, God blessed my obedience by showing me over and over again that I made the right decision.
Her parents invited me to spend time with them every month for a year. They sent me pictures frequently. They loved on me and allowed me to see how God used me to answer their prayers. It is a blessing I will be eternally grateful for.
Our relationship has changed over time. I do not see them as much, but I still get regular visits and updates on their growing family. My daughter is so loved, gets to be a big sister, and loves Jesus. I could not have asked for a better life for her.
There is still a missing piece of my soul. Even years later, tears stream down my face when I think of my daughter—tears of sadness, tears of understanding, tears of grace, and tears of contentment. Through it all, I trust that God is good. In that truth, I find comfort, and for that, I am blessed.
